I left you because I wanted to be with you

I looked at your photos today. What a joy, my dear Beibei.

I know every decision I made was to be with you. I left you because I wanted to be with you.

I can still feel your soft cheeks breezed over my face, you little hands and strong legs in my arms. I can still feel your little body, warm and heavy. When I held you you looked at me, you knew me, and you smiled.

Some nights, you would not sleep without me. When you were able to talk, you would say - mama, don't go away. I would stay by your bed, hold you hand and wait.

Sometimes you would wake up from a noon nap startled and crying. The winter days were dark and cold. You cried bitterly. I would comfort you, holding you tight, humming sweet words to you.

You loved bathing, but hated being dressed. Before we towel dried you, you were crawling away happily. Later, when you were older, you would come to me after bath, naked, saying - mama, smell me. I just had a bath and I smell good. You would stretch your little hands and feet to me. I loved to smell you belly, of course, and that made you laugh every time.

January to August, you were away. When we met in September, you held my hand and asked - mama, you are really here? That broke my heart.

You were only two.

But I had to go away, Beibei. I had to look for what I was looking for so that I could be with you. I told you how it hurt me to be away from you. You remembered my words. Each time we talked on the phone, you would say - mama, don't be sad. 

That broke my heart.

You were only three.

My diary was all about you. Every decision I made was to be with you. Every decision I made was never to be away from you.

Thank God, I am with you now. You are brave and strong. You make me strong. Lots of things have happened. Memories fade. But I never forget your first school day when you had to board the school bus for the 45 minutes ride. I was so worried because you didn't speak the language. You said to me - mama, don't be scared. I will be fine.

I never forget that day at Toronto airport how you helped me to complete the journey. That big purple suitcase, your gentle words...because I was crying like the end of the world.

You were only six.

Thank you, my darling child. Thank you for the joys and tears. Thank you for being there for me. You give me the strength to carry on. I was not born a mother, but you make me one.