INVITATION

2014.12.4 大约23点，姑父走了。 In a wintry night in 1991, my grandfather passed away. My grandmother followed him in the next spring. I never met my maternal grandmother. She died before I was born. 外祖父 passed away Jul 1 2011. ***** My uncle was a PE teacher at a school until retirement. He was always a strong, energetic and humorous person. He could carry me on a bicycle pedaling on the country road for hours to visit a friend. His voice was loud and clear, his laughter candid and bright. One day in 86 he came home from Beijing and brought with him our first and only cat. He was a good man. But life hadn't been good and fair to him. He lost two sons in their infant-hood in those chaotic and hungry years. Yet he never grew bitter or sunk into the abyss of depression like my aunt did. He wasn't paid a lot, but he managed to set aside some money to help students from poor and remote villages to study in town. He and my aunt lived a frugal life. In  his happy moments he would prepa...

雪细细密密地下着，在路灯的反照下犹如银翼飘落，簌簌有声。 最喜欢雪夜，静谧、空蒙，也喜欢晴朗的雪夜，沉寂的雪原，漫天星斗。 北国的雪季是长的，有时六月还飘雪花，九月就下第一场雪。 那时坐在屋里看着落雪，喝着滚烫的咖啡，感到自己是最幸运的人。 ** ** ** 记得初秋的树林，层层叠叠的色彩，从浅黄到深紫；到匹茨堡南下的路上，南归的雁阵，浩浩荡荡； 记得深夜里寒风的咆哮，犹如魔鬼的钢索一下一下鞭笞着房屋和树木； ** ** ** 阴雨的日子，雪原只是墙上的一幅画。时光飞逝，过去的都过去了，发生的都发生了, 怎一个冷字了得。

初到北国，正值伏夏，阳光穿过透明的空气照在哪里都泛白光，高温加上时差，最初的两周过得懵懂。 智子教授是我的导师。她长着日本人典型的容颜，喜欢高领针织衫，穿衣不修边幅，性格坚韧，严厉的外表下内心却是敏感和真诚的，有着强烈的正义感。她带我去她的小家，待我炒米茶，一边聊天，寄予我希望，她的先生靠窗远远地坐着，只静静地听，不多言。我最终无法陈述我的苦恼，真是愧对她了。 往北走，是绵延的田野和果园，秋季我们去摘苹果。那时我第二次去那个农场。这一次我盼望的再见到那个小姑娘，我特地带了剪纸去。我坐在秋千旁边的椅子上，一会儿，她真来了，还有她的哥哥和姊妹。她显然不记得我了。于是我说一个月前我来摘番茄喝过你的柠檬汁。那时一看到她，就知道她不同，她很慢。她问我从哪里来，见过魔鬼吗相信地狱吗？她怕魔鬼，常常晚上惊醒。她的哥哥在一边连连斥她不要乱说。我说你们年纪小，长大的就明白魔鬼是藏在人心里的，保护自己的心，就不会被魔鬼吓倒。现在她拿着五颜六色的剪纸，神情模糊，面色犹豫，眼角时时瞟向哥哥和身后的木屋，我心中明白只好握握她的手跟她道别。 他们是生活在宗教里的孩子，过着四四方方的日子。 所以我从未答应过帕特，我知道自己做不到，至少这点上我是诚实的。 帕特在北国长大，年轻的时候要步行3个小时从不通公车的村子到城里上班。后来她跟随从军的丈夫天南地北地跑，终于在退休的时候她说我是北方人，我要回到家乡去。 她的小屋不大，两层楼，带一个小小的后院，虽小却热热闹闹地种满了罗丝玛丽、熏衣草、薄荷、香菜、松针菜和百里香，还有高高的红衣袍和紫色的修士帽。松鼠、蜂鸟是这里的常客。她日常需要照顾的是自己和老猫哒蹄。让她每日忙碌不已的是教会的各种慈善活动。 帕特的善良的爱心让我的每一天都在温暖中度过。

冬季冰冻的时候，教学楼之间的封闭走廊里会通暖气，虽然还是有冷风从两头的门缝里钻近来，走廊里还是比较暖和，可以脱下大衣，坐下来看一阵书。咖啡货车只在早上开放，87分一杯，加税不到一块钱，虽然淡得寡味，对于整天喝速溶咖啡的我还是一种奢侈。我那时慢慢地享用滚烫的咖啡，望着窗外细细密密的落雪，心里是暖的。 走廊里人来人往，我也能专心读书，不时有相识的人来打招呼，聊几句也无妨。图书馆也有读书的地方，但那里太静，我反而不能集中精力。有一阵我总去理工学院图书馆，喜欢它高高的拱顶和迷宫一样分隔的阅读间。也喜欢法学院图书管，坐在厚厚的皮椅上，读我最喜欢的书。法学院书馆总是人太多，去晚了，就没有空位，那是我会到综合图书馆的二楼，找个僻静靠窗的位子，书页之余，望着窗外的白桦树，在风中伸展。 夏天选择的地方很多，湖边的长草地上总有三五成群的学生，星吧外的草坪和长凳上也坐满了人。那时天气好得让你不情愿读书，只想呆在暖洋洋的太阳下。我在公寓露台上种了花草，坐在小板凳上做梦也能耗费一天的时光。 我的舍友，来了又走了，有找到真爱的，有失意回流的，有筹措不前的，这之后的我，在最后一个燥热的夏季收拾了行李，永远告别了无忧的学生时代，牵着一双小手，踏上了一条无归路，即是在阳光明媚的夏日仍能感到雪花落在脸上千里冰封的寒意。

A beautiful movie. A beautiful story.

今日我听了Enya，亲爱的 仿佛我又回到过去 还记得我们的车吗 在草原上缓行 我们听Enya，Bocelli 有时也听Iz 你喜欢把一只手搭在膝盖上 透过蓝色的烟雾看我 而我喜欢在图书馆坐在你的身旁 几个钟过去 目光还滞留在首页的第一行 你一定深深地责怪我了 我能听到你心灵的低语 可记忆犹如永不愈合的伤口 我宁愿忘却 不因为你酒后的妄语 不因为你隐藏的秘密 有时我静坐着 心底却响起歌声 眼前浮现你的面容 这时我想 这样就够了 这样就够了 I listened to Enya today, darling I drifted back to the past Do you still remember our car Roaming slowly across the vast prairie We listened to Enya, Bocelli and sometimes Iz You liked watching me through the thin and blue cigarette smoke one hand resting on your knee I loved sitting beside you in the library letting hours lapse without turning a page You must have blamed me deeply I could hear your heart whispering Yet the past is an open wound too painful to heal I would rather forget not because of your drunken words not because of your well-hidden secrets Sometimes when I sit still I hear songs, arise in my heart and see your face in my eyes I tell myself - This is good This is good

A cool day, not so sunny hot, a bit muddy though, but just right for hiking. The six of us started from Lower Seymour down to the Seymour river valley, then up to Lynn Canyon and back to the starting point. It was a 5 hour trip, over 10 km. We were lost wondering into a residential area, and that took a bit time to be back on the right track.  Dead tree trunk covered by moss, the square hole was a result of axing.  Hollow tree trunk, like a slide.  Rest by the creek. The water was clean and cool, so welcoming on this muddy day.  Woodpecker's favorite tree - the holes were their craft.  Cliff jumping - Step one - get into this pool and swim to the side where the rope is, climb the rope to the top of the rock. At the top of the rock, looking down is the water fall. Jump high and far and you are in the cool water, a natural pool. My view was blocked by the tree. The rock above the waterfall is the jumping platform. ...

It rained last night. The sky was light grey in the morning, but now dark clouds closed up shedding drops of rain here and there. A bee holds herself tightly to a lavender stem, to keep dry. A bumble bee at work during rain breaks. Bumble bees love pincushion flowers. She also tried to land on the tick-seed pale yellow flower, but the flower was still wet from the rain. Sedum and hens and chicks, overflow the pot. Although sedum are easy to grow, they do attract aphids, which is a persisting headache because for a small balcony garden, there aren't many predators around. The other day I probably killed 2 lady beetle larvae by mistake. I found them crawling on the pincushion plant. I truly regret that. Lemon scent thyme bloom. Their strong fragrance attracts hover flies and small bees, but the flowers are not shaped for bumble bees. I love rubbing my figures through them and the lavenders. The plant most attractive to bees is ornamental oregano. I ...

这世上真有让你气急败坏的事，好比一个风和日丽的午后，突然乌云盖天，电光闪闪，之后细雨簌簌，不消一阵，天又放晴了。 我本有着计划，却已无心经营。 今天感到倦了。 好朋友要到远方去了，跟家人团聚，不知道何时还能相见。不过这也是个好的籍口，让我在将来去拜访她。 今日的我感到倦了。 最近又开始读日本侦探故事，当然还是最喜欢松本清张的《点与线》。一边读一边查阅地图，发现今日的香椎湾已面目全非，高楼林立，不再是当年的偏僻小站了。再读西村京太郎的去札幌的列车，去看青森、涵馆美丽的海滨。有一阵鼠标滑入青森的窄街小巷，在那些厚朴的民居间徘徊。 但今晚的心绪怎一个乱字了得。

10多年前回去的时候，叔婶早搬到城外了，胡同里的平房被拆迁一空，原地建起了高层公寓。小时候总喜欢在胡同里走，迷宫一样，总在不经意的拐角发现小卖部，买个糖果汽水什么的，有时冒失地闯入人家的院子，层层叠叠的石榴花后奔出来一个长辫长腿的丫头，用的地道的京腔问：你找谁呀？ 午后的树阴下总有熟睡的猫。 天空中总有鸽群和着鸽哨。 没有比去北京过暑假更兴奋的事了。凉爽的早晨，叔叔总带着我去买早点，密耳朵，甜油饼，油糕，炸糕，豆浆，油条，应有尽有。我最喜欢的是炸糕了。有时我们走得远点，过大街去吃新鲜的酸奶和奶油筒。这些都是我在老家那里吃不到的。 崇元观在我的记忆里只是一个地名和大理石雕的拱门而已，周围都是杂货菜食店，是我换面条必经的地方。 胡同口原本有一家招待所，如今可能不在了。 时光飞逝，只有街道两边的梧桐树依旧。 前年回去的时候，特地坐了火车进京，不仅行程时间缩短一半，铁路两边的田野都不见了，被公路和住宅区代替。原来夜行车上能看到漆黑的原野、天空和星星点点的农舍的灯光，如今铁轨两边灯火辉煌，亮如白昼，到了深夜，公路上还是车来车往，热闹非凡。 变化是人生的属性和标点。一厘一米、一寸一尺，步步紧跟到生命的尽头。 ************************************* 解放前，北京市区划分“内七外五”十二个行政区（内指九门之内的内城，外指内城南　七门内的外城），西直门隶属内四区（也称西四区）。据说，北京内城九门之间间隔都约两公里左右，当时西直门地段（地区）即是由西直门贴城墙内侧往南1公　里，往东1公里的范围，现估算往南到平安大街，往东至新街口大街的区域内，一出城过了护城河就走出西直门地段了。 　　从西直门原城楼（现立交桥主路东侧偏南位置）向东走约一公里至新街口丁字路口处，正对着原来西直门楼内侧的这条笔直的大街，即为西直门内大街。西直门内大街在明清、民国及解放初期都为东西两部分，以街北的崇元观胡同（现东新开胡同）和　街南的北沟沿（现赵登禹路）为分界线，街西部称西直门大街，街东部称新街口西大街（明清时曾称新开路、新街口西街）。1965年左右，市政府才将两条大街　合并为‘西直门内大街’。 　　现在仅十米左右宽西直门内大街是一条狭窄拥堵的小街，可在解放前却是北京城比较宽阔的主要道路之一。1924年北京第一路有轨电车就是从这...

My balcony garden is a little ecosystem. In hot summer, honey bees, hover flies and even bumble bees drop by frequently. Bees especially love the oregano. They just can't get enough of it. But last year in May I drove a carpenter bee away when she was trying to build a hatching chamber in the door stopper. I truly regret that. I waited and waited this year, no more carpenter bees show up. I love bees. I love their humming and buzzing. I love seeing them busy collecting nectar and pollen. They are an indicator of a good balanced garden. A few days ago I watched a documentary, about the vanishing of honeybees. I was surprised of how little I know about them. Commercial bees have a tough and short life. They are constant on the road being hauled across the country to pollinate crops and fruit trees. I also found the answer to my question - why bees never are interested in the bright colored hybrid flowers. That is these flowers are not natural, they are man-made artificial flowe...

It was raining hard yesterday. It was cold. Just a few days ago, it was sunny and hot. I only walked under the sun for half hour, but it was long enough to burn blisters on the back of my hands. What have I done in the past few months? - Not much. I spent much time watching Billy roaming in his tank. I got a new tank for him. I could no longer bear the sight of the old ugly plastic tank, a betta starter I got from Petcetera. What a change it has made in Billy's life. While he was in the old tank, he stayed at the bottom sleeping all the time, hardly surfacing to get food. Ever since he moved into his new home, he has been actively patrolling his territory. The first few days he glided from bottom to top non-stopping as if to measure the tank. Later on whenever I show up with the food, he dashes to the surface waiting. He can gobble 4 or 5 pallets at one feed. When I had Phil, I never saw bubble nets or Phil stretching his fins wide open. One Saturday morning I found Billy build...

New office, new people, new everything... Overwhelmed by the changes, I couldn't sleep for days. It was warm and sunny outside. It was even hot under the noon sun. The seawall was crowded with people. Blue waves playfully stroke the rocks, like a lullaby. I still felt a bit lost, of where I was, and anxious about what to happen next. The pleasant surprise was when I got home, I found dish washer unloaded, plates, bowls and cups in the sink cleaned, and the broken bathroom bulb was replaced. Beibei, did you do all theses? Yes! Oh my sweet little darling! I couldn't hold back my smile, my face blooming a chrysanthemum.

The rain is warm and the wind no longer chilly. I can't wait for spring to come so I can start my little garden all over again. After over a month's freezing temperature, several plants have died: oregano, ice plant, hens & chicks, coral bells, bell flower, lamium. Lavender survived but they are not in a good shape. Ornamental oregano and Sage seem to be in dormant. I will have to wait till March to tell whether they are still alive. The coral bell died again in the porcelain pot. I will need to sterilize the soil in the pot and plant Hosta. I decide to give up coral bells, bell flowers and ice plant. Veronica speedwell produces long lasting flowers that attract bees but it also attracts white flies and which are very difficult to get rid of. I will not try it again this year. I will try hens and chicks again this year, in a larger pot with different varieties. I definitely need more rocks. I love dianthus. They are not disappointing at all. I find the red ones are ea...

I am the coordinator of the tag day today. Five hours out there grouping drivers and locations, counting coins and recording the results. It is a cold rainy day. I feel like I am going down with a flu. My mind freezes up. Volunteering can take lots of time and energy. Though, I will do it again. I came back home and watched Billy, my new pet fish, patrolling his territory. Billy is bluish purple, with red shade on his head and tip of his fins. He is more active than Phil, and likes to stretch out his tail and fins. The horse year has come. I do hope it brings good news to me. So I pray. The past was a year of disorientation. I pray this year I will be more clear-minded. So I pray.

多么想有一方带栏杆的阳台，给我的花花草草，让它们热热闹闹的在阳光下尽情地生长，还留一点空间，放一把椅子，一张小桌，一杯茶，一本书，给我一个清静的下午。 多么想有一个大点的客厅，宽大的落地窗，让阳光洒进来，在寒冷的冬夜，也可以看到湛蓝的星空。 多么想拥有一个自己的房间，在客人来的时候，不用再客厅打地铺，在心烦的时候可以回避，可以静心。 多么想有一只可爱的猫咪，没有喧闹，看它在太阳下懒散地睡觉，或者在清晨发现它就在身边，蜷缩着，温暖柔和的一团。 多么想这个家，简简单单，没有物累，没有琐碎，没有期待，没有争吵，没有沉重。 多么想我如烟一般，在今日明媚的阳光下飘了、散了，再无烦扰。